I’m Mark Rollins, and if you’ve seen me here on YouTube, you know that I created TheGeekChurch.com, and I do videos here on YouTube and TikTok.
Most of my videos are product reviews of tech, and I’m up to about 500 subscribers on YouTube with almost 20,000 followers on Tik Tok.
Or, you might just know me because we’ve met, personally or professionally.
I’m here to give this video because I want to tell you one thing about myself: I am on the autism spectrum.
I wish that it was something that was diagnosed with when I was a child, and perhaps there could have been special programs for me.
I have reason to believe that it might have been suspected of me as a child, but nothing was done as counselors and such were not certain what to make of it.
I’ve really been wondering how my life would have been different, and trust me, it would have been differently if I had know that I had this limitation on my life from the get-go.
Maybe.
No, I am 51 years old, and I just found out a few weeks ago.
Or rather, it was confirmed a few weeks ago, after a lot of testing.
Granted, I had suspected that I was on the autism spectrum, about five years ago, I realized that something was indeed off about me.
About a year ago, I suspected that my mental health was very off.
The problem was it took a year before I could even be tested.
Yes, that is an issue, and I’ll get into that later.
I want to talk about what it was like growing up being on the autism spectrum, but not knowing it.
I’ll start by saying that it is like being a gear and spinning with the rest of them, but not being able to quite mesh with the others.
It means that you are not able to fit in with others, because you can’t.
Like any mechanical problem, the problem isn’t obvious by looking at it, but rather, the fact that the problem keeps occurring and not knowing why.
Just being in a conversation in a group setting is difficult, as by the time you come up with anything to add, the conversation has gone on.
That’s just one example, but that alone can set me back.
When you grow up in grade school, middle school, and high school, it is all about fitting into social groups.
If you can’t fit in, it becomes very difficult to simply have a normal day.
The fact that you can’t play sports because you are uncoordinated, which probably has less to with being on the autism spectrum, but definitely contributes in not being able to play well as a team.
The end result is a lot of frustration, because you have to live in a world where you just aren’t really a part of it.
Like there is this “normal”, but you just aren’t it.
Sometimes it just kind of builds up into anger, and I had an anger problem because of it.
It was quite often for me to have an emotional breakdown, but I often carried myself with an emotionless demeanor.
Believe me, I figured out a way to dam my tears over the years.
Yet those dams will give way eventually.
If sadness wasn’t the problem, it was often anger.
That is, the frustration of trying to do something, and not being able to do it.
Sometimes, when things got too tough, I would lash out.
This led to reputation that I was a weird one.
Kids don’t welcome weird unless it is on their own terms.
As a result, I got bullied, and I was bullied hard.
There were few times where I would show up to class to just have the bully tease me in front of all of the rest of the class.
No one stood up for me, and I think because I have had some kind of anger problem, people probably thought I deserved it.
I can think of a few times in my life where this bullying would happen on a daily basis.
That is, I would go to a certain class, and if the bully was there, I would get it.
Sometimes with insults, sometimes with physical beatings.
There was a time where I attempted to try deal with it and simply blend into the background.
After all, there was no way anything could last forever.
The problem is, and this probably has very little to do with autism, I want to do great things.
You can call that prideful if you like.
I’m not about to deny that I have at least a small sense of self-importance.
Part of it is that I want to be recognized for being special for good reasons not because I am uncoordinated, or slow to understand social situations, or other signs of being on the autism spectrum.
So yes, what my desire to be something special could stem from a desire to want to be liked.
I will readily admit that.
I’m not going to use the fact that I was and am on the autism spectrum to excuse behavior that is toxic.
The issue is that I have had a lot of toxic things done to me that probably are a result of people who do not understand what it is like being on the autism spectrum.
Which, by the way, is also something that I don’t really know everything about, even though I am in this…condition? I don’t even know the right terms.
I’m learning more about what it means to be on the autism spectrum, but there is something you should know.
I spent a lot of time growing up being deliberately alone.
During that time, I would work on a lot of stories. I would often play them out in my head, and occasionally, I would write them down. I think I got good at it, as it was the one thing I seemed to do better than those around me.
This gift may have been a result of me being on the autism spectrum, I am not really sure.
After all, we really are not certain what makes us…us, right? I mean, if we were, then we could shape us, right? I’m just speculating here. Someone might like writing, but others never do. It could be heredity, or could be environment, who knows?
I bring it up because I have attempted to try and make myself great due to my writing, but honestly, it feels like I have to work a lot just to even get by in the world of professional writing.
It feels like I have to do twice the work of an ordinary person to do half the job.
Like I said before, it is tiring. A daily routine for me is quite tiring. And yet, there are some days that I cannot sleep due to worry and stress.
I’ve always noticed that I have ways of doing things, and there are ways I do things that I don’t like to change.
Now, I have changed over the years, but it is very difficult for me to change quickly.
To just pivot is very difficult for me, making me difficult to get along with.
When I say pivot is when I’m doing a project with certain instructions, and I follow these instructions, and get set in my ways on it. Then, someone comes by and tells me to scrap what I’m doing and do something else. It’s difficult for me to just do that, even though it is very easy for someone to do.
Still, I did get along. It’s kind of like how people who are illiterate can still fit in a world where reading has to happen. I guess I would assume people who are color-blind just live in a world where all they see is black and white. Unless color is the topic of conversation, how would we know if someone is color-blind.
In short, I have learned to adapt to the world of the non-autistic by either blending in to the background, and only stepping out when I have something extraordinary to offer.
I get the feeling that I was not diagnosed for autism at an early age because most people didn’t know about it back then.
I think it is funny that the first time I even heard the word “autism” was that Dustin Hoffman/Tom Cruise film.
I would like to think that I am nothing like Raymond Babbit, but I notice that I say “honestly” a lot, kind of like how he would say “definitely”.
Yeah, this film has probably not aged well, as it probably “othered” autism for years afterward.
Now, I have heard stats of 1 in 100 having autism. I mean, most of us hardly interact with 100 people, but if I am in your social group, guess what, I am the one with autism.
Not the way that I want to be unique.
Like I said before, I suspected that I was on the spectrum for years. I cannot say that I was surprised at the diagnosis.
Most of my life, I have noticed that certain people tend to avoid me, and I am not talking about bullies.
I’m talking about people who kind of interact with me on a tolerant level.
I was usually not listened to if I had a suggestion.
In my reexamining of my life, I realized that I had got used to being treated as an inferior.
So much so that I was often surprised when things worked out.
You just kind of get used to things being hard, and you blame yourself.
I realize that a lot of you can say the same thing about your life, and you are not on the spectrum.
I’m glad that you can.
If you think that I am being too dramatic, I will have to say this: I’ve had my life to live.
I know what problems that I have faced.
It has been only recently that I have realized that there was something about me that was off.
There were times where I thought that was part of my quirky nature, which can make me fun to deal with at times. While it wasn’t a bad thing, it might not be a good thing in some circles.
Now that I know that I have this disability, I can start to realize what has gone wrong.
I’m going to be very clear on this: I’m not going to use my diagnosis to excuse negative behavior that I have done in the past.
I have had to quit jobs or in some cases was fired from jobs, and much of it was based on being on the autism spectrum.
But of course, I didn’t know it at the time, and neither did my employers.
Therefore, I don’t want to have any ill will toward any past employers, bullies, or anyone else who kept their distance from me because they didn’t know how to handle me.
As someone who is on the autism spectrum, there are a lot of things that I have a hard time taking and would prefer to simply not do them and have kept my distance from them.
Also, I suspect that there are people out there who might have known that I was on the autism spectrum, even if they could not put it in those exact words.
But they didn’t see a need to come to me and confront me with that.
Maybe it is impolite to say this. You know, to walk up to someone and say: “hey are you on the autism spectrum”?
I think if you were to come to me and even suggest this, I probably would have shunned you.
Maybe you thought that I already knew I was on the autism spectrum, and you thought it would be impolite to give me special treatment.
I understand that, and I appreciate that.
I don’t think it would be right for me to ask for special treatment, even though I will admit that I do want it.
I’m not going to demand it until I can specifically put it into words.
I understand there are things that we have been saying to each other for years that we probably shouldn’t say like “Calm down” or “There are people who have it worse”. These things really put the burden back on us, and do more harm than good.
Yet I get why people say them, in the heat of the moment, they don’t know any better.
We don’t always act in an ideal manner because we are presented with non-ideal situations daily. I see no reason to hold people accountable to perfectionist standards if I cannot.
I also know how hard it is to constantly try to change yourself for others. I would hate it if I were to ask you to do that for me.
In other words, I can understand ignorance. The worst part is that I have lived in this ignorance for at least half of my life.
The thing about ignorance is that once it is found, then one must also realize that it cannot continue.
After all, I can understand that marginalized groups were treated badly in the past, but in the present time, after we know better, it cannot continue to flourish.
We’re seeing this today with how we have treated people of color, and people who are non-binary, and we are realizing how we need to change.
Change is slow, sometimes violent, but it does happen if we are willing to put these old ideas down and realize that keep to old ideals is in vain if it is hurting others.
People like me, who are not neurotypical, we need to be heard too.
Since I have come out as being on the autism, there are several people that I need to talk to.
Like I have said before, I have lost jobs because I don’t think people have known how to handle me.
I’ve made a list of people that I need to talk to. These are companies who misjudged me for who I was, and if they did it to me, then they might have done it to someone else, or worse, still doing this to someone else.
I could use this time to call out these people/groups, but I don’t think that would be appropriate. I think that calling out the guilty is necessary to produce positive change, but I see it as only creative negative results to their reputation.
Therefore, there are four organizations (at least) that I will be approaching privately. Something tells me that these companies are dealing with issues of the neurodivergent already. I have a hunch that the first thing that they will tell me is that they are on the right track with dealing with things.
I hope that what this is what I find when I ask them about this. If not, I feel it would be in my best interest to report that their attitude toward neurodivergence needs to be more progressive. I don’t want to get into slander territory, but I do need to report on the truth.
This is the only video I plan to do about this subject, so far. If I see more comments on it, perhaps I can talk about this more, perhaps do videos about these companies in question. In fact, I hope I can do a video where I follow-up on these companies and find them being very progressive.
We’re going to see. If you feel that you are on the autism spectrum, and you’re seeing similar trends in your life like mine, then I highly recommend that you try and get tested. I say try because I had to make phone call after phone call until I could find someone, and it took several months to set it up. Then it cost me a pretty penny after that.
Still, look into this if you haven’t already.