Do I need to describe what Black Friday is? I have no idea when Black Friday starts, as it seems to be starting on Thanksgiving these days. Personally, why do we call it “Black Friday”? Are African-Americans offended by this term? I suppose that all the terrifying stories of people rushing to buy cheap deals on the day after Thanksgiving just love to get more and more press each each. We at The Geek Church would like to give some advice on surviving this day.

It can be summarized as follows: Zombie Apocalypse. If The Walking Dead ever actually occurred, you would survive World War Z with these techniques I will give you for surviving Black Friday, but you’ll have to dial it down a bit.

First, headshots are out of the question when dealing with other Black Friday shoppers. In all honesty, I don’t know why a headshot kills a creature whose heart ventricles are leaking out, but hey, we have to assume there is logic in not shooting other living people in the head. My advice is just to shoot Black Friday shoppers in the leg. Once the hostile shopper stumbles, they will be trampled by other shoppers, and you will not technically be guilty of killing them. Also, lego-shots will in turn stop the other shoppers so you can grab what items that you need. So just remember: zombies get headshots and shoppers get legshots. It’s simple.

Second, use everything around you. You know how in zombie films characters just grab stuff right off the shelf and use it to stop the undead? Well, on Black Friday, you have to pay for your improvised weapons. My advice is to grab the items near the door and quickly scan them at the counter before you use them. Now, you will have to arrive early and peak at the window to see just what you can use. I would advise you to find the door nearest the chainsaws. Then run in, grab, scan, and use. Make certain that you can pay for what you weaponize, or it could really choke up the checkout line.

Third, grab only what you need. You know the guy in the zombie film that gets distracted and soon gets swarmed? Don’t let that be you. Just because something is 50 percent off doesn’t mean you just have to buy it. My advise is just what can fit on the cart, and nothing more. Travel light on that cart, too. Don’t over pack that thing, or you will never be able to make turns.

So, that is my Black Friday survival tips. Have a great holiday season, everyone. Hit the jump in case you actually assume that I am serious and cannot discern the difference between actual sincere advice and satire.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this story are not the actual views of the author. Seriously, do you need me to say this? Did you really think I would prescribe shooting someone in the leg for cheap holiday items?